TRYING TO FIND THE BALANCE

I was a really sensitive kid,

Scared to mess up, sin, or make someone angry

But it seemed there were a few

Who had it unlocked

Eventually I realized that

My sensitivity would be my ultimate downfall

If I didn’t learn how to put it in a box

As time goes on

I witness those around becoming numb

Often those

who used to be so emotional

Its seemed that 

Overbearing emotions rarely benefitted success

And I was so consumed by the weight and distress

If I straight face it blank will my feelings

Eventually come off of my chest?

My emotions are still locked in a box

And if I don’t unlock it now and then

It will fill with concrete

And I will become

One who used to be so emotional but now is numb

What would be my purpose without routine existential meltdowns?

Would I never wonder why and be content with no explanation?

Would I be more successful if I had just kept my big head down the entire time?

Would I be completely nihilistic and OK with that?

Would I have never lost a single relationship… would the lack of depth carry the weight and the lightheartedness kept them all afloat?

Would I be happy being blind and ignorant, so much so that, I would have no desires to ponder any questions?

Would I have no intrusive thoughts about morality, the bounds of what it means to a good person, and where I fall on the scale constantly?

My brain activity never slowed down, not once in my life - Leaving me with endless layers of curiosity and ideas in attempt to dull the buzzing sound of my mind

I figured, well this will never end, every questions leads to another and, no matter what you discover there is always more to find.

But we’re stuck here now.

I would hope that, during my routine existential crisis I can

Continue to wonder why even when its rhetorical, pointless, and hopeless

Pick up my big head occasionally to shrink it back down, and calibrate my ego

Create my own meaning even when i think the conclusion is nihilism

Find peace in knowing emotional weight in relationships will not all lead to drowning in painful memories

Believe my mistakes in life don’t take points off of my self worth or moral value

Keep my eyes open to ponder questions that scare the utter living shit out of me

And to remind myself that to be curious is to care

And what’s the point of living

Without doing any digging

:( (: